Monday was a busy day. The phone was indeed red hot, but it all revolved around the visit of our doctor. I think even he was shocked when he saw Cag. He had the treatment information from the hospital and brief details of what had happened. He made me go over exactly what had happened when the paramedic was here, and was truly troubled when I told him the amount of time Cag had remained fitting, well over an hour.
Bottom line is that this is the 'end game'. Well into the fourth quarter with no 'time outs' remaining. The doctor said he would arrange for anything I wanted. Whether Cag was to go into hospice care or remain here, with me looking after her, and daily visits from nurses. I am happy with the second choice. It's really very little more than I have been doing for months, and with the extra help, I'm sure I can do what is needed.
The offer of hospice care will be always there, should things become too difficult, or if I were to need a few days respite for myself. I can see where this would be of use, especially if this more intensive care was needed long term.
The doctor is returning tomorrow or Friday, and I have a small list of questions for him. In the mean time, the nurses are calling and have been helpful, especially in oral hygiene, something that seems to be sadly lacking in hospitals. We've arranged bed changing for Friday, and sex on Mondays and Thursdays........................ only joking.
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Three of Cag's sisters came down for a visit today. It's her birthday on Friday. They came loaded with cards, flowers and good wishes for both of us. They managed only a few minutes with her and all left the bedroom in tears. I don't think Cag would have noticed very much as she has spent nearly all day asleep.
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I was really dreading it but managed to keep my control ..............well, most of the time. Our daughter phoned tonight. She and granddaughter will make the journey on Saturday. Another lumpy throat day to look forward to, but it is getting easier.
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The real thing that annoys me is that I have had fifteen years to work out how to play this chapter, and thought I had covered all eventualities, but I could not allow for the weight of sadness that I've felt the last few days.
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So, America has made it's choice, a right one I think.
Now keep him alive.
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4 comments:
Oh Ian, what to say? Words would seem so trite right now. I'm thinking of you and hoping this part of Cag's journey is not too hard on you. I know she is blessed to have you there by her side. I looked at that pic you posted a little while ago, the stripey jumper one and just thought, what a beautiful woman. And you had such wonderful yars together.....and you are letting her have her final wishes. All that's left right now is to give you a great big SUH.
And yes, let's hope that he's kept safe. That is my biggest fear in all this.
Oh Ian,
Don't you know darling man, no matter how prepared we think we are, it just isn't so?
I hope you let your tears flow, take it from one who rarely cries, it does help. I am glad family is there for you.
Use, use, use hospice, please! They will help you in so many ways, and aid in keeping Cag as comfortable as possible too.
Wishing I could DO something besides send Standup hugs.
I agree with Fiona........ there are no words for a time like this. Just be assured that all your readers are with you in spirit, even though we cannot be there in person.
Don't be afraid to cry. I remember when my dad was dying: my mum forbade anyone (under pain of being murdered themselves) to cry in front of him. As a result, my whole memory of the experience is of one where I felt far away from him, not part of the process at all. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry if you need to, whoever you are with. If I was dying, I wouldn't want anybody to have to struggle with controlling their feelings.
As for the hospice-or-not question, that's a difficult one. I learned quite recently just how much some people hate hospices, believing them to be too impersonal. (I myself have only been in one once and that was in my teens, so I have no real knowledge of them). If you do decide against Cag going into one though, don't be afraid to change your mind later. Cag wouldn't want you to wear yourself out to the extent that you really feel you can't go on any longer.
Thinking (and praying) for you.
Hummm, here in the states, hospice is an in-home care service to aid the caregiver and care recipient.
Still sending warm thoughts of love your way.
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